What to say

Grief is pain.  Grief is loneliness.  Others say kind things; they mean well, but nobody can understand the loss.  Everyone experiences loss, and it is always painful, but the way each of us experiences loss is as unique as our fingerprint.

What comforts one person doesn't comfort everyone, and any person's beliefs about death isn't universal.  

Just hours after my husband died, a well meaning acquaintance told me that she was so sad for me, but so very happy for him because he was in a better place.  At the time she didn't know that I am Jewish and that her well-intended words brought pain and not comfort.  Other friends told me to take comfort in knowing he is looking over me - I don't believe that he is.  Unlike others who "see" their loved ones in the sun, sky, wind and rain, I don't. 

I don't know what happens after death.  Is it the end, is there some sort of awareness, is there some kind of afterlife?  All that I know is that the love of my life is gone.  I've lost my best friend, my lover, my confident, my biggest fan, my most honest critic, my comforter, my teacher, my student, my advocate, my partner, my sun, my moon, my everything. 

Sometimes well-meaning words cause pain.  When someone is grieving, listen to them.  Talk about their loved one - share memories.  But don't assume that you understand their pain, and don't offer your opinion on why they are gone or what happens after death.  The pain is all encompassing, and words misspoken can cut deeper than you realize.