Pain

I am in so much physical pain.  My eye pain is terrible and my back and leg are only getting worse.  I'm on so many medications that don't seem to be helping, and some of the side effects make things worse.

I lie alone in bed and try to handle my pain, but I feel so miserably alone.  I look to his side of the bed, and know that he is gone.  I am alone in my pain and in my grief, and it is overwhelmingly unbearable.

I think back to how amazingly strong he was in facing his pain and his mortality.  I was there with him every day and night, but did that help?  Was it comforting to have me there, or did my tears and fears make it harder for him?  I honestly don't know, and the doubt is torturing me.  I know how much he loved me, and he knews how much I love him, but I don't know if I did my best or if my best were good enough.

Did my being there lessen his pain?  Am I just selfish in thinking that my pain would be less if he were here with me?  It is hard to deal with grief when there is so much pain, and it is hard to deal with pain when there is so much grief.  I really need help.  I really need him.