Grief doesn't get easier. We learn how to live with it, but it doesn't ease, we don't heal, we don't move on - we somehow live. Even after four years it isn't easy. It is a continual struggle to see good in a present that will never be as complete and joyous as the past.
Something happened in the past week, that has really helped me to form a new perspective. Something that I wish I could talk with Brian about. Something that feels really profound.
Brian was the love of my life. Losing him will always be the greatest heartache of my life. Loving him, I believe, will always be my greatest joy. I am blessed to have many family and friends that I love. One person stands out, and that is my niece, Denise. She is permanently in my heart in a way that I can't explain. She is my niece by marriage - Brian's niece - but she is my family. I have no children, and she is the closest to a daughter that I will ever have. I hurt when she hurts, I am delighted with her accomplishments. I want the world for her.
Denise's mom was Brian's sister. She died of breast cancer three years before Brian died of appendicial cancer. She didn't have it easy. She was on active chemo for over 11 years, but this lady had a perspective that was beautiful. She said that everyone had something about themselves that they don't like - some people don't like their hair, or their weight, or their fears - she didn't like her cancer, but she was going to live with it. She didn't "fight cancer"; she just chose to live. And despite what the cancer and the chemo did to her body, she lived as best as she could. We had some private time to speak a few days before she died, and I got to thank her for showing me what it really means to live on one's own terms. I wish I had had more time to know her better, but I loved her and I miss her.
Denise and Brian had a special relationship, and it didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. She and her cousins are the greatest inheritance that Brian left me. Denise has been there for me. She was there with us when Brian died. I have a bond with her that is unlike anything I have with anyone else on this earth.
So when she told me a few months ago that she had an amazing opportunity at work, I was so happy for her. When she was selected from a national team for a promotion that would move her for four years to the other side of the world, my heart swelled with pride and joy for her. I would be lying if I didn't selfishly feel some sadness that she would be so far away, but I knew what this opportunity meant for her, and I couldn't be more proud.
Then, two weeks ago she called me and told me that she felt a lump in her breast and was going to see the surgeon. The fear that I felt was unlike anything I had felt before. I felt fear when Brian was diagnosed, but I hadn't lived through his illness yet. I hadn't seen close up what surgery and chemo does. I hadn't seen how cancer can eat a person until there is nothing left to eat. I now understand cancer, and the thought that those things might happen to my Denise, filled me with a fear and rage that were consuming. Her mother died of cancer. Her uncle died of cancer. Her grandmother survived cancer. With this family history, this wasn't just a scare - it was a moment of harsh realities.
They scheduled her for biopsy the next week. They took five cores. We didn't talk after the biopsies. We texted. She needed to turn off the phone from the world. I needed to be supportive but hide my fears. They told her she would have results by the end of the week. So I waited, and I prayed like I have never prayed before.
I believe in God, and I believe in the power of prayer, but my "idea" of God is unlike that of most organized religions. I don't believe in God as an entity that controls our individual fates. I don't believe that people get sick or not because some god decides that. I don't believe that prayer can cause or prevent illness or death. I was never angry at God because my Brian died. To me, God is more of an idea - more of the unembodied embodiment of what is good and true and right in the world. God is the belief in the goodness of people and a recognition of the beauty of life. God is the way things are supposed to be.
On Friday morning I was driving to work, and I couldn't stop the tears. The thought of what could be was so unfair and so terrifying. I cried and I raged, and I cursed at God. I thought if the biopsies come back positive, then there is no God. Then there is no point in prayer, or hope. Then the world is just unfair. And then, as quickly as this rage had escalated, I had a thought. If Denise did have bad news and I blamed God, would I show corresponding appreciation and gratitude if the biopsies came back negative?
Suddenly, I was a hypocrite, because I knew that I wouldn't. As grateful as I would be, I probably would not have expressed that gratitude to the order of goodness and rightness in the world. And that stopped me in my tracks. I have been living with this horrible sadness since Brian died. I know that it will never go away, but I need to focus more on gratitude. I need to feel appreciation that I experienced a love so strong that most people will never know - that even though I now have a profound sadness, I was so lucky to experienc true happiness - that despite cancer, and poverty, and politics and tragedy there is good in the world, and that life itself is a miracle that I can't take for granted. It's ok for me to feel sad, but only if I recognize both sides of the coin.
On Saturday morning I got a text. All of the biopsies were negative. I immediately called Denise and we laughed and cried. I cried all day - happy tears, because despite how unfair life is, sometimes things end up exactly how they are supposed to be. I cried because someone who I love will be able to take an amazing promotion, and move to the other side of the world for four years, and experience life - and I will get to share that experience with her.
Denise and I spoke this morning, and we laughed, and I cried some more and we talked about all this. We talked about how real the fear was and how amazing the relief is. We talked about how important it is to appreciate the good things because they can be so fleeting.
Bad things are going to happen to me and to the people I love. There will be more fear and loss, but I have been so wrapped up in my fears and losses that I haven't been able to appreciate the gifts that I still have. No, my present is neither as full nor as happy as my past, but I still have life and love and wonder. I hope I can remember to keep that in my consciousness. I am truly thankful for the beauty of life, and to know that while life is not fair, sometimes things turn out exactly how they should.
