I've been so incredibly angry lately. I'm not sure how long my mind and body can sustain such intense anger. I have memories and flashbacks that send me into panic. I have no answers or explanations. I'm incredibly angry at how unfair life can be. How the hell could Brian have died? He had only just turned 48. How the hell did my life become a series of losses and failures. A failed marriage. A stolen marriage. A tanked career. I did what everyone told me I should do. I went to the school that everyone insisted I go to to get the right opportunities - and where has that left me? I was "good"; I always played it safe and towed the line because that was what I was supposed to do - and what did that earn me? The one and only decision that I made for purely selfish reasons - despite my families objections - was to marry Brian, and that was the one and only decision that clearly was the right thing to do. To follow my heart and to allow myself to love, be loved, and be happy.
Now he's dead. I'm stuck in a dead end job after a failed career. I'm broke. I have unmanaged health issues. I can't get the drugs I need because of the bureaucracy of the insurance business. I can't afford the only meds that relieve my pain. My boss is an unstable rage-aholic. I work long days and come home to being the sole caretaker of our dog, the sole keeper of the house, the sole payer of the bills. I don't have the time, energy or money to manage things.
Brian is dead, my life is out of control, and I'm alone in this hell that nobody can understand and that if few, if any, even know that I'm in.
My life feels like it's not even about me. It's about pleasing my boss, and trying to take care of responsibilities. There is nothing to plan for. Nothing to look forward to. I'm no longer a student planning my life. I'm no longer a career person planning advancement. I'm no longer a wife. I'm nobody's mother. I'm just a sad, lonely, incredibly angry person who really needs a break.
I go to work everyday, and do my best to get things under control, but like everyone else in the office, I'm only as relevant as my last mistake. The boss has no understanding of business or how to behave in a business relationship. I used to think that she just hated me, but she lashes out at everyone - always assuming the worst. She never gives an employee the benefit of the doubt. She never asks why something didn't happen as we had hoped or planned. She just makes it clear that she thinks that everyone who works for her are lazy, incompetent idiots. Truth be told, right now we have a strong staff, and given the lousy pay she offers, she is blessed to have such a devoted group. Heaven forbid she every thank any of the staff or show any appreciation.
I work in this hostile environment, and then come home to a messy house, laundry that needs to be washed and folded, things that need to be cleaned. There are bills that need to be paid, and not enough money to pay them. There is rarely a well stocked kitchen, and even if there were, I'm unlikely to cook dinner for one at 8pm.
This was our home together. Our refuge from the bullshit of the work day, from the craziness of a broken world where people hate, and kill, and suffer. This was a home that wasn't always neat, and wasn't always clean, but was always bursting with love and laughter. This was a place where all the outside bullshit didn't matter so much because what we had in this home was so much more important than anything else.
Now this is just a house. Just a building making more demands on my time and bank account. I don't feel a refuge here. I don't come home to that love and laughter. I come home to my anger at knowing that the things that were truly great are gone, and that now, while there are still moments of joy and laughter, there are more of pain and lonliness.
I miss Brian. I miss our life. I miss his love and support. I miss the foundation of my life. I am so angry. This is a private hell.
