Shortly after Brian died, my dad said to me, "I've lived a long life, and when I die it won't be a tragedy. I know you'll be sad, but I've lived a good long life." It was one of the most sentimental living things he ever said to me. I know my dad loves me, but he's not one to say it, and that said it about as loud and clear as anything.
Now it's over three years later, and my parents are here visiting. They've aged a lot in three years, and have slowed down a lot, but I am so lucky that they are still in command of their bodies and minds and that they can still travel.
Sixteen years ago my dad lost a kidney to cancer. They caught it early, so after surgery no chemo or radiation was needed. Now, though, his kidney function is getting pretty low. When they are back home next week a surgeon will be creating a fistula so that they can start dialysis as soon as my dad begins to feel sick. To complicate things, it is most likely that he has cancer in the remaining kidney. It is relatively small and slow growing, but it is growing.
My dad is a real trooper and taking all of this in stride. He is not one to complain.
My dad is going to be 86, and aside from this little cancer/kidney situation, is in good health.
So tonight when I got home from work, we were relaxing and talking when he said, "this may be the last time I ever see you. When I die, I know you'll be sad, but it won't be tragic, I've lived a long good life." I felt the burn of tears well up, so I immediately said that I was going to visit them soon. We talked about when might be the best time.
I was fine until I closed my bedroom door and the tears started to flow. My dad's death won't be tragic. He is old and accomplished a lot in his life, but he's my dad. I'm a mushy gushy pansy. I cry; I hug; I tell people I love them. My dad and I are so different this way. And so, as much as I understand that my dad's death won't be tragic like Brian's was, I can't face this loss right now. I thought I could. I've always been sad that my dad and I don't have a sentimental father - daughter bond that I would have loved. I've always regretted my dad,I believe, doesn't really understand me and what makes me tick. It's been a strained relationship that has caused me a lot of angst, anger and guilt, but that we love each other was never a question.
So now I'm faced with a very real possibility that this could be our last visit together, and even though these visits are often stressful, my heart is completely broken. I am going to lose my dad some day sooner than later, and when that day comes, my Brian won't be here to hold me when I cry.
