For several years I have been struggling with complicated grief. Grief changes with time, and it isn’t as raw and painful a it once was. It has changed things so profoundly in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. I knew that daily life would change; I expected to feel unbearable sadness and loneliness; I knew that I would always miss the future I had dreamed of; but I didn’t expect to lose myself. The loss of purpose and joy had been profound. I have felt like the best of me died with Brian and what was left we’re the qualities of which I am not proud. I feel more selfish, less companionate and quick to pass judgement.
So far 2018 has not been a good year. I’m fine - nothing particularly bad has happened to me, but a lot is happening with people around me. I have been feeling intense stress and anxiety. Things that Brian and I would experience and process together have been heavy on my shoulders, and the weight of my “aloneness” has been crushing. The last month for me has been pretty awful, and I coped by trying to sleep through as much of it as possible.
It has dawned on me, that this stress and anxiety might not be a result of complicated grief. I think it is the result of complicated life.
Brian, I believe, is the only person who has ever truly known me and love me unconditionally. There was nothing that we couldn’t talk about openly, there was complete trust, there was always a safe place for us to just be. All of our personal issues were discussed, understood, and forgiven. We both came with baggage, but together we were able to leave the baggage behind and move forward with so much less “weight”.
Now that he is gone the weight of my past is back. My self-confidence and worth are diminished, and my codependent tendencies now make me angry. I have been so angry since Brian died. Not at Brian or at God, but at myself and at all the people in my life who cant love me the way he could.
I love my family, but we are complicated. My mom is incredibly smart and determined, but she suffers from depression. It’s not her fault, she loves us, but she is self absorbed and fearful. As a result she never taught me to follow my dreams. She never let me take risks. She always looked at all the horrible things that could happen, so I never learned to take risks or push my limits. None of this is her fault, but her depression has framed the way that I think. With Brian I could allow myself out of that box, now I find myself back there.
My dad is great, but he wasn’t always. When my sister and I were little he was an absent parent. Not a deadbeat - the opposite- my dad was driven to take care of his family. He worked hard, he worked, earned his PhD, and provided for us. It was a different time - my mom raised the kids, my dad provided for us.
I have had a privileged life, I know that. I have always had food, clothes, a lovely home and access to education, but everything I did was a responsibility and not a joy.
My parents are now old. My dad goes to dialysis three days a week. He doesn’t complain. He has mellowed. He is accepting. My mom has been really suffering from her depression. She has been angry, selfish and irrational, but she is trying. And through it all, I have been so ambivalent. I am broken hearted to see my mom suffer. I am sad to know that their time is limited. I am also furious. Furious that I feel responsible for my mom’s mental health. Angry that my dad can’t say, “I love you.” Angry that they will ask me if i am saving money and keeping the house clean but they will never ask if I’m happy - did I do anything fun. All this anger makes me feel guilty and selfish and worthless.
This isn’t grief - this is my insecurity and weakness. This is all the stuff that I had never dealt with before Brian coming back, but he isn’t here to help me.
I feel so alone and overwhelmed, but I realize that nobody can help me with this. I have to reframe my thinking so that I can be the person that Brian lived - that compassionate and ion person. This is on me. I have to fix this.
