Despite taking a sleep aid, I'm wide awake. Could be anxiety, could be subconscious memory. It is December 29th. Three years ago today the nightmare began. I guess it began much earlier; who knows when the cancer began eating away at Brian's life? It certainly had been there for some time once it was discovered, but three years ago today was when the symptoms reared their ugly head.
I can't sleep. Despite taking a sleep aid and a pain killer for my eye, I am lying here wide awake. I'm tired and I want the mental vacation of sleep, but it remains elusive. Perhaps it is nervous energy. Perhaps it is because my subconscious knows that it is 12-29-15, the third anniversary of the start of a living nightmare.
Brian had had an unsettled stomach, and thought he had a touch of a stomach flu that was going around. I had an appointment on the morning of 12-29-12, and by the time I got home he was pretty sick. He had already vomited several times. When he vomited again, and I saw how violent it was, I insisted we go to urgent care. There Dr. Charlie suspected a gall bladder problem and ran some blood tests. I was upset that Brian would need surgery. Brian was happy that a simple surgery would fix the problem. He already suspected it was cancer. How I wish it had been his gall bladder! How I wish it was something that could have been fixed!
And so began the nightmare that ended with his death on April 20th, 2013. But it didn't end then for me. For me it went on and on; and while I will always be haunted by what happened and broken by my loss, I am finally starting to come back to life.
Next week I will start a new job at the university. For over twenty years I have wanted an administrative position in higher education, and that wish is finally coming true. I wish Brian was here to share this with me. He would have been so happy and proud. Then later in January I will be moving to a condo and selling our home. This is hard. Brian didn't want me to lose the house, and I didn't. I sold it when I was ready and on my terms. I purchased a condo that will eliminate the need for me to do the outdoor maintenance, simplify my life, and increase my liquid assets. Brian would approve. The condo is nice, and I will be very comfortable there, but selling this home hurts. Brian and I loved every minute of designing, building and decorating this house. It was ours. Now all of my physical links to our life will be gone. I lost him, Tater, My job, Lola, and now I'm selling the house. I have a great new dog who I love completely, but who Brian will never know. I'm starting a job about which I am so excited, but about which Brian will never know. I'm moving to a new house which will be very nice, but in which Brian will never step foot. These are all great things, but as much as they are new beginnings, they are a painful ending.
I miss Brian and the life that we shared. I miss my husband and my best friend. I miss sharing my life with the man who knew me even better than I know myself. I know that because of Brian I have the strength and confidence to make these changes. Because of him I am starting to live on my own terms. Because of him I have survived this devastating loss. I will live and I will again be happy, but there is a gaping hole that will never heal - a wrenching sadness that will never ease.
I'm not working this week, so I need to get all but the basic necessities packed, and get the condo ready for move in. I got a lot done today. Sarah came over to help me, and we made a big dent. My eye is really hurting and I'm physically and emotionally very tired. So maybe I'm awake because of nervous energy and anxiety. Or maybe I'm awake because my mind and body remember that this is the anniversary of the day that Brian and I knew that something was quite wrong. For the next four months I will be anniversarying horrible moments from our life and his death. I will also be experiencing exciting new things. Two sides of the same coin- sorrow and joy, love and loss, endings and beginnings.
Few people understand how difficult it is for me to look to the future with hope while inexperience another ending. Something huge in my life is closing, but there is no closure. Something new is beginning and I am genuinely excited, but that excitement goes hand in hand with a deep sadness. I know that this is good. I know that I am driving my life in the right direction, and even though this is not a route that I have chosen I am making the best of this nerve wracking travel.
I don't know if I will sleep tonight. I don't know how the hope and sadness will meld in the coming months. I do know that I will survive the pain. I will have happiness. I will be ok.
Brian would be so proud.
