Life Goes On

Time does not heal all wounds.  Life goes on; I'm alive.  I have friends, I experience happiness, I have fun, but so much is still missing.  Not the pain, the pain remains.  Sometimes it hides in the shadows, but it is always there.  You can't experience such a profound loss and expect to heal.  You survive.  And by many accounts, I'm surviving well, but the pain is always there.  When there is joy to celebrate, but he isn't there to celebrate with.  When there is sadness, and he isn't there for comfort. In the little things, and in the big things.  When something is interesting, horrifying, or absurd, he isn't there.  I have friends, I have so much, but so much is gone, The loss is always there.  The "new normal" doesn't feel normal - it feels like a compromise.

How to hold on, how to let go.  How to carry the love and the loss.  What to keep, and what to dispose of.  How to process things alone. How to not feel alone.  How to allow others in, and how to realize that they can't possibly understand the level of the loss.  How to allow yourself to be happy, and how to deal with all that is missing.

I wan't joy, laughter and passion.  I want purpose and permission to not have purpose.  I wan't intention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I don't want them to confuse survival with strength.  I want permission to be weak.  I want to breakdown and have someone there who isn't made uncomfortable by it.  I wan't to incorporate my grieving and my sadness into a life that is purposeful and happy.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to feel proud of my accomplishments.  I wan't not to feel defeated by my failure.

I want to understand how Brian is gone, even if I'll never understand why he is gone.  I want to maintain my faith in humanity and in G-d without anger.  I want to find the strength to accept my anger.  I want someone to know me the way Brian knew me, and to love me despite all ,my faults and frailty.

I want, I want, I want, but I don't know how to make it happen.  I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to feel complete.

I'm not the first person to lose the love of their life.  The world is full of grieving widows, widowers, parents, children, sibling, friends - people who miss someone desperately, and most of us move on. But to lose your life partner before their time.  To watch a good, decent, kind, intelligent man die at 48 just because a cancer cell divided and divided and ate him from the inside - how do you live with that without doubt?  Can life ever be more than just ok again?

Memory

I no longer feel qualified to write about life. I don't know if I remember how it feels to live. There has to be more.