I don't know why today has been so hard, but it has. I feel overwhelmed by sadness and depression.
Sometimes I wonder if this will ever get easier. No, often I wonder if this will ever get easier. Wasting this life is wrong, I am not entitled to happiness; I have a responsibility to find it, but I feel like if I haven't done it by now I may never.
Happy shouldn't be this hard. Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Overwhelmed
Life is hard alone. Of course, I'm not alone. I have friends and a family that supports me, but I don't have my partner, my love - the man I lived with, the man I planned a life with, the man I discussed everything with. I miss him. I spend far too much time alone, and it isn't good for me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just weak. If I were more decisive, more independent, more secure, I would do better. I'll never know. I just know that I'm faced with all sorts of life decisions right now, and I'm not managing well.
I need to find a new job. I've been applying and networking, and things are looking promising. I need to put my house on the market and look to buy a smaller condo. I don't want to. I hate that I have to, but it is just me and a 20 pound dog. This place is far to big for us and the maintenance, yard work, shoveling, etc is too much for me. I dont' see well, I have to be careful not to re injure my back, and I just can't keep up. This place will sell quickly and my realtor says I should get more for it than I thought I would, but this is home. This is the house that Brian and I built together. We planned for it, we customized it, we selected paint, and light fixtures, tiles, carpet, fixtures, counter tops, cabinets - everything. We made this place ours, and we both loved it here. I know it is a just a house, but I love it. It was built with love, and now I have to leave. I know it is the right thing, but leaving here is leaving the last ties to my life with Brian. He is gone. Our pets are gone. I'll be starting a new job he never knew about and working with people he never met. I hate it.
This house is big, and it is filled with stuff. I've been working hard getting rid of things. I've gotten rid of over 40 boxes and bags of stuff. Some of it I don't care about, but some of it is hard. I gave away most of his books. That hurts. Giving away my stuff is easy. Giving away his stuff rips open a wound.
If he were here, we probably wouldn't be moving, but if we did, we would have done it together. We would have gotten the house ready, shopped for a new place, done all the work and the planning together. Now I have to do everything alone. I do have friends that help, but it is all up to me. I have to make all the decisions without having him to talk to.
I find that I wake up in the morning and just can't do it. I can't bear to start working on this process. Then in the mid afternoon I get busy, and I get a lot done, and before I know it it is dark and the day is done. No dinner, no break, no social engagement. Just the knowledge that I didn't waste the entire day. At least I can feel like something was accomplished before I go downstairs to eat a small dinner at an hour way to late for dinner, snuggle with my dog that Brian never knew, and go to bed alone.
There has to be more. Life should be more than this - and I know that is why I'm doing it. I need a new job, I need a more manageable home. The job and the new home will help me practically and financially, and it will make things better. But getting from here to there is horrible. I ache inside and out. I feel so alone.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just weak. If I were more decisive, more independent, more secure, I would do better. I'll never know. I just know that I'm faced with all sorts of life decisions right now, and I'm not managing well.
I need to find a new job. I've been applying and networking, and things are looking promising. I need to put my house on the market and look to buy a smaller condo. I don't want to. I hate that I have to, but it is just me and a 20 pound dog. This place is far to big for us and the maintenance, yard work, shoveling, etc is too much for me. I dont' see well, I have to be careful not to re injure my back, and I just can't keep up. This place will sell quickly and my realtor says I should get more for it than I thought I would, but this is home. This is the house that Brian and I built together. We planned for it, we customized it, we selected paint, and light fixtures, tiles, carpet, fixtures, counter tops, cabinets - everything. We made this place ours, and we both loved it here. I know it is a just a house, but I love it. It was built with love, and now I have to leave. I know it is the right thing, but leaving here is leaving the last ties to my life with Brian. He is gone. Our pets are gone. I'll be starting a new job he never knew about and working with people he never met. I hate it.
This house is big, and it is filled with stuff. I've been working hard getting rid of things. I've gotten rid of over 40 boxes and bags of stuff. Some of it I don't care about, but some of it is hard. I gave away most of his books. That hurts. Giving away my stuff is easy. Giving away his stuff rips open a wound.
If he were here, we probably wouldn't be moving, but if we did, we would have done it together. We would have gotten the house ready, shopped for a new place, done all the work and the planning together. Now I have to do everything alone. I do have friends that help, but it is all up to me. I have to make all the decisions without having him to talk to.
I find that I wake up in the morning and just can't do it. I can't bear to start working on this process. Then in the mid afternoon I get busy, and I get a lot done, and before I know it it is dark and the day is done. No dinner, no break, no social engagement. Just the knowledge that I didn't waste the entire day. At least I can feel like something was accomplished before I go downstairs to eat a small dinner at an hour way to late for dinner, snuggle with my dog that Brian never knew, and go to bed alone.
There has to be more. Life should be more than this - and I know that is why I'm doing it. I need a new job, I need a more manageable home. The job and the new home will help me practically and financially, and it will make things better. But getting from here to there is horrible. I ache inside and out. I feel so alone.
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