Bereavement

Several people have suggested over time that I attend a bereavement group, and I've resisted.  There are only two in town - one run by a religious organization whose beliefs do not match my own, and the other run by hospice.  I didn't have a great hospice experience.  There were some amazing nurses there who I really love, but the overall hospice experience was sad, lonely and isolating. 

I was told about a new hospice bereavement group starting this week, and that all the participants had lost spouses.  My first reaction was not to go - I really didn't see how hearing other peoples sad stories would make my experience any less painful or easier to digest - but, I need help, so I went.

It was pretty awful.  There were 6 of us.  5 women, 1 man.  I was the youngest of the group.  We met for an hour and a half - just sitting around a table each taking a turn to tell our horribly sad stories - and every story was horrible and sad.  And with each sad story, the social worker in charge would mutter, "wow" or "how hard" or some other equally unhelpful platitude.  Did it bring me any comfort? No.  Did it make me feel less alone? No.  Did it bring up even more bad memories to bombard me all at once? Yes.  All six of us were in tears. 

Is this one of those, break them down and then we'll build them back up groups?  I don't think so.   It just hurt.

One of my more minor complaints about hospice is their insistence on using the word "journey".  People in hospice aren't dying - they're "on a journey".  Family members aren't "mourning" - they're "on a journey".  Fuck the euphemisms!   My husband died.  I watched him die.  He wasn't on a journey - he was dying and I witnessed it every day.  My grief is not a journey - I don't know where it will take me.  Perhaps it is a process.

Sitting in a room with other mourners was not easy or comforting.  I have, in the past, suggested to people to seek out a bereavement group - and I still think it is probably a good idea - If and When someone feels ready.  I'm not ready. 

There are 5 more weeks of this group.  We're supposed to talk about our losses.  Bring in photos of our loved ones.  Talk about moving forward.  I don't know if I can do this.  I have no idea yet whether or not I will go back. 

I just know that it wasn't the right time for me to attend the meeting this week.