Chemo

I know that the two rounds of chemotherapy that he had were horrible for him.  The brain fog was frightening and disconcerting. 

One of the meds that I'm no is a chemotherapy drug.  I'm taking a tiny little dose - nothing like the dose a cancer patient would receive.  When I take it, it is dreadful.  It knocks me out for a day - I'm literally unable to accomplish anything, and I feel horrible. 

It makes me more aware of how terrible it must have been for him.  I know it is not the same drug, but if a tiny dose of poison can make me feel so badly, how must a cancer patient feel when they are injected with high doses of poison.

These questions only make things worse.  I was there, and I witnessed his pain, but I clearly have no idea of what he felt or thought.  He always said he was lucky to have time.  Once he moved to hospice, he said that he was relatively comfortable. 

I know that he never lied to me, but I can't help but think that he must have felt so much worse than he let me know, and this breaks my heart.

I felt so sick all weekend, and I missed him so much.  Wondering about his pain only makes me feel worse.  I know that there are no "what ifs", and these are questions that will never be answered, but the doubt has made my grief that much harder.  I don't see any healing any time soon.  The pain, loss, and questions only get worse.