Struggle

Today is the fifth anniversary of Brian's sister's death. Connie was great. She was self aware, fun loving, and wise. She and Brian were so different in so very many ways, but they were both wonderful people who left behind legacies of love.

They both died far too young of cancer, but their experience with cancer was so different. Connie lived with breast cancer for 14 years. Fourteen years on active chemo. Fourteen years of not letting cancer define who she was, but of incorporating cancer as part of her self - not a favorite part certainly.

Brian was diagnosed and never came back home. He went from the hospital to hospice house and died only 3.5 months after diagnosis. Like Connie, he didn't let cancer define who he was, but the inevitability of his death was more immediate. From the moment he woke from surgery, he never had even a hint of normalcy left.

I don't think one is better than the other. They both suck. Whether you accept life with cancer and all the unpleasantness of controlling it for more than a decade, or whether you suddenly come face to face with mortality without the opportunity to choose the path of your last days, they both ended up leaving this world too soon. They both are gone.

I don't know where I am going with this. I have no words of wisdom. I would like to say that I've learned to embrace all the good and bad in life, and to live it to it's fullest because I've loved others who didn't have that opportunity, but I would be lying. I'm struggling. I'm struggling to accept my losses, and to find happiness despite them. But, I suppose, the fact that I'm struggling means that I am still trying. So many changes have been forced on me, and I'm sad, angry and depressed, but I still have some hope for a good life in the future. Some days it is harder to imagine, but I'm struggling to get there.

Sometimes it is all just too hard, but I think that Brian and Connie would be proud of me. I think that they would understand just how difficult this is.

I miss them both.