It seems like forever since I've written here. It has only been a few months, but they have been long months. I've wanted to post several times but have had password problems. I finally got them figured out, so here I am. How to catch up?
Grief doesn't end. Two years and four months and the pain is so strong. I don't know how to approach life. My grief has to be private - others not in this position can't understand it anymore. I do have good things in my life, but there is an underlying foundation of wrongness since Brian's death.
I can't share my honest thoughts or fears, and the energy that it takes to appear ok is exhausting.
My job is sucking the life out of me. I'm not sure when or why my boss started hating me, but it is a reality that is hard to live with. I spend more time at work than with anyone else, and her behavior is abusive. She isn't a morning person, and that is not on me, but starting every work day with her snapping or yelling is unbearable. No matter what I do it is wrong. She treats me like I am less than human, and I really don't feel that I've done anything to warrant this behavior. I've been looking for a new job, I really need benefits, but I can't find anything. I'm overqualified, or under qualified. I did have great interviews for two jobs. The first told me that I had the job, but then gave it to someone else. I need more money. Even if I made the same salary, having benefits would save me a lot. I am living beyond my means. I'm not extravagant with spending, but I can't make ends meet. My parents are helping to support me, and while I am grateful, the knowledge that I need their support to get by has destroyed my sense of self worth. I know that I am more than my job title or my salary, but I don't feel it. I'm no longer a wife. I'm not anyone's mom. I'm not important to anyone in the way that Brian and I were important to each other.
My health is more or less ok, but I have worries. My eye condition seems to be worse lately, and constant pain takes a toll. I'm seeing some new doctors. The cause of my eye problem may be a blood condition. If so, the eye injections I receive are fine, but the systemic medications might be all wrong. This condition could also cause other more serious problems. Or not. The uncertainty is hard to handle alone.
I have friends. I have people that are important to me, but when it comes to the big stuff I feel very alone. I've been making an effort to not isolate myself. I'm trying to reach out and make plans. I'm trying to find a new job. I'm trying to find interest in life, but I'm alone and scared and sad.
This is not a life I want, and I don't seem capable of changing that. I hate not having a true partner. I hate my job. I hate that I'm no longer financially independent. I hate that I have health issues. So much hate!
I love my dog.
Grief changes over time. It isn't as crushing as it once was. But life seems more hopeless now, and that only gets worse with time. I'm so afraid. Brian would have understood that.
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