More Goodbyes

Life moves on whether we want it to or not. Sometimes it forces us to do things we don't want to do, and it is hard, and it hurts, and time doesn't ease that pain.

Two years ago I lost my Brian; the most horrible thing that I ever experienced. Last September I lost our cat, Tater. When Brian and I met I had two cats and he had one. Tater was ours. The sweet, loving kitty we adopted together. We both loved all of them, but Tater was ours. A week ago I lost our Lola Dog. She was ours. Our sweet, beautiful girl. I was her mommy and Brian was her best friend. She had a rough life before we adopted her, then she lost her best friend. Now I lost her. She was only 7, and her death was sudden and unexpected and horrible. When Lola left I lost all of them; my entire family. The pain was too much. Then a few days later I lost my job. That wasn't so painful, I hated that job. No, actually I liked the job, but the pay was lousy and my boss was abusive. I'm not sad to be out of that unnecessarily stressful atmosphere. But being unemployed now is scary.

My unemployment payment calculation includes the period when I missed so much work before and after my last back surgery. My unemployment compensation will be frighteningly low. I am completely dependent on my parents and my sister, and while I am so grateful to have a family that can help me, I am horrified that I need that help to survive.

For a while now I have been talking to friends about selling my house. I don't want to. I dread it. Brian and I build this house together, and it was a wonderful project for us. We both loved this house. We had so many happy memories in this house. And while those memories will always be with me, leaving this house, this last place where we lived together is heartbreaking. I've thought about it for some time, and always pushed it off. The house is too big for me. I can't keep up with the cleaning and maintenance. With my health problems, but stressful job, and my grief, the work was too much.

Now I'm being forced to get it ready for the market. I'm going out tomorrow with my realtor to look at condo options in town. My husband is gone. Our pets are gone. My finances are in ruin. My health is shabby. And now I am being forced to say goodbye to the house that we both loved.

Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps I hemmed and hawed for so long that life and all it's losses are forcing me to make the decisions that I couldn't make unemotionally.  Downsizing will make my life more manageable. Downsizing will make my finances much healthier. Downsizing is the right thing to do. But I feel like all the things we loved and shared will be lost. I just adopted a new little doggie named Max. Brian will never know him. I am looking for a job that Brian will never know about. I will be meeting new people that won't know Brian and who Brian never met. I will be living in a new place that was never Brian's. Now it is my dog, my job, my home, my life. Mine, and not ours. If anyone thinks that this is a healthy moving on, they are wrong. This might be the right thing for me to do, and I'm proud of myself for my pragmatism, but while my head is doing the right things, my heart is kicking and screaming. I hate this. I don't want a life without Brian. I don't want new things that he will never know.

Now I have to say goodbye to everything. And while it is the right thing to do, it hurts so very much. I hate this. I never asked for a new life. I don't want this new life, and I can't possibly have the old one back. My spirit feels crushed. My heart is heavy. I hate goodbyes.