exhaustion

I keep looking for Lola.

She is gone and it is so hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. When I walk to the kitchen I look for her. She would always come looking for a treat. The doorbell rang and I jumped because nobody could get near my house without her announcing them.  I look for her everywhere.

I still look for Tater. He was my baby boy. He used to curl up at night and sleep on my head.

Tater and Lola where Brian and my babies.  When we met I had two cats and he had one.  Tater and Lola where ours. We were a family.  Now all three are gone. For the first time in 29 years I live completely alone. It is both heartbreaking and terrifying. My family is gone and I am left alone with my pain, fear, disappointment and anger. My sweet Tater lived a long life, but Brian died at 48 and Lola at 7.

I have chronic pain, and this grief amplifies it. Since Lola died I have had an unbearable headache. Tomorrow I see my doctor to see if we can find some answers about my eye. I know Brian would be so disappointed in me, but I wish I receive a terminal diagnosis. I just don't have the energy for chronic emotional and physical pain.

There are many people who I love, and I have many people who love me. I am great full for them, their love, and their support, but I'm sad, lonely, and exhausted. I can't find anything to feel passionate about. I can't find anything to look forward to. Life isn't going to change for me. I have to change, but I really don't know how. I really want to stop fighting.