Missing him

What does it mean to miss someone?  I miss him all the time and in so many ways.  I miss being his wife.  I miss seeing the twinkle in his eyes each time he glanced my way.  I miss his undying belief in me.  I miss buying him little gifts.  I miss the peach fuzz on his shaved head, his smell, his amazing laugh.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss kissing him.  I miss everything.

I still get excited when I see something new that he would have liked, or hear a great story that would have made him laugh, and I want to hurry home and tell him about it.  That is always followed by the horrible realization that I can no longer share those things with him.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake and hear my dog breathing as she sleeps soundly in my bed, and I smile thinking that he is lying here beside me, safe and dreaming something wonderful.  This is followed by the searing pain of remembering that he will never again lay with me in our bed.

Yesterday I got some upsettling news at a doctor appointment, and I turned to look for him because I knew that his reassurance would make it OK.  And when he wasn't there, and I knew that he wouldn't be there for any of the follow-up or treatments, I had to fight back the tears.

I never took Brian for granted.  I fell in love with him before we ever met in person.  He was my hero.  He helped me survive a horrific time in my life, and then transported me into a world of true love and beauty.  He saw me with no filters, and loved me for who I am.  He helped me to believe in myself.  He created an environment in our home that was safe.  He said that I brought laughter, silliness, and joy into his life.  He brought trust, honesty, and undying support into mine. We were amazing together.  Without him, I'm so much less than amazing.

I know what Brian wanted for me.  He wanted me to he happy.  To surround myself with friends and love.  He told me to listen to music.  To laugh, to dance, to sing. He wanted me to live without fear - to embrace each new day and each new opportunity.

I'm trying.  I'm trying so very hard.  And I'm doing so much better than even one month ago, but it is so difficult.  I turn within to draw strength from his love, but when I look out and he is not there, I am overcome with doubt and dispair.

I miss everything about him and the life we shared.  We were so very blessed to have found each other and to have, against all odds, lived a perfect love together.