Hospice

A year ago this evening Brian and I moved from the hospital to hospice house. So many painful memories of that day are still incredibly raw. The transition for me was awful. While the staff at hospice is and was amazing, they were not used to or prepared for Brian's medical and wound care needs. I was angry, I was scared, I was heartbroken, and hospice was the last place I wanted to be.

Brian thrived there though. It was the right move. Doctors predicted he wouldn't live for more than a week or so. I thought I would lose him before our 7th anniversary. But he lived for a week. And then another. And with the comfortable environment and amazing care provided by some amazing people, he regained strength and he lived for over two months.

I have mixed feelings about hospice. There were people there who I love, and will always love, but we were there because Brian needed a place to die. Nothing about that was or is okay with me.

Today I went back to hospice house to visit a friend. And it is not OK with me that she has to be there. But it is great that she is comfortable, and has pain management, and has compassionate care. And it is good that her family has that environment. Visiting them today reminded me that no matter how hard the stay at hospice was for me, it was without a doubt the best move for Brian. Because he moved to hospice and regained strength I had him with me for longer. And despite where we were, we got to laugh together, and talk, and cry, and be. 

There was no patient in "our room" today, and I went there, and sat, and remembered, and cried. And while it was a painful day, it wasn't a cry of despair, but one of healing. I can't help but believe that Brian would be proud. That he would be glad that maybe I could redirect my pain towards possibly helping others who are now in that raw and unbearable place where I was last year.

I don't think I will ever recover from Brian's death. I know that I will never stop missing him. But today, I took care of myself and showed myself some kindness, and in doing that, I'm honoring him and his ideals. I miss you, Baby.