Moving Forward

I miss him so much.  Things change, and it hurts.  I don't remember the feeling I used to have when I came home - that happy skip of my heart to walk through the door and see the love of my life smiling at me.  I hate that I'm forgetting.  I hate that my brain can adjust to life without Brian.

I don't automatically turn to him for help when a task seems to daunting, when there is a spider in the bathtub, when I"m tired and hurting and want to feel his loving arms around me.  The pain now isn't realizing that he"s not there when I turn for him.  The pain is in the realization that I know he's not here, and I no longer turn for his help or his comfort.  That is so hard.  I don't want to forget all those little things.  I don't want to move forward without him.

Fate can be cruel.  I really feel like I've had more than I could take - but here I am, alive, breathing, living,  moving on.  Creating a life.  Actively deciding to continue to live without him,  To look for happiness.  To share all of the love that he shared for me.

I realize that in many ways I am closer to his nieces and nephews than to my own family.  I have chosen to love the people he loved, to make his chosen family my chosen family.  To love and nurture them like my own nieces and nephews - like my own kids.

So, it seems that the only thing I can do is take the lessons I've learned from the deceit and pain of my first marriage, and the total, unconditional love of my second marriage and share that with the people that Brian and I love so much.  To nurture them, and let them nurture me.

I have to move forwards, but I have so many gifts from Brian to take with me and share.

I miss you so much, Brian.  It still is a searing raw pain.  But I don't feel it every minute of every day.  More and more I feel you in me.  You were the most beautiful person I've ever met.  Loving you has made me so much more beautiful.  You're not in my arms, but you are my heart.  You are the best part of me - my compassion, my ability to love, my wicked humor.  I am better for being loved by you.  You live on because you are in me.

You saved me, even if you would never admit it.  I won't waste that gift.  I'll live.  I'll love.  I'll try to be the best of you.