Simple Pleasures

A year ago today was Brian's last Tuesday.  He had family visit that afternoon and was exhausted.  He was still responsive, but was no longer really speaking.

At this point our amazing niece was staying with us at hospice.  She was sleeping on the couch, and I was glued to Brian's side.

Because of a stomach rupture, Brian had not eaten in several months.  He received IV nutrition, and was only taking small sips of water.  Denise had gone out that evening to buy some snacks.  We were sitting at Brian's side talking, when she got herself a Coconut Water and Pineapple popsicle.  I asked Brian if he wanted one.  He thought for a moment, then nodded yes.  Quicker than lightening I grabbed the popsicle out of Denise's hand and held it up for Brian to taste.  As he bit off a tiny piece his eyes lit up with joy.  After not tasting anything for so long, that popsicle was pure pleasure for him.  He ate the whole thing, and when I asked if he wanted another, he nodded.

It was so great to see him enjoying something.  As I fed him the second popsicle, Denise and I joked with him. He smiled and set out to devour his treat.  When I asked if he wanted another, he thought for a brief moment and nodded yes.

I was so overjoyed and filled with love to see him eat.  I joked that he had some juice on his lips, and reached down to kiss him.  Then, without any words, my Brian returned.  He started rubbing his lips on the popsicle, then looking up at me waiting for his kisses. We kissed a lot, and smiled, and we both knew how much we were loved.

I will never forget those three popsicles.  They brought true primal pleasure to him in the last days of his life. That was also the last time that Brian was able to kiss me.  A memory so dear in my heart.

By Wednesday he was unresponsive.

As I remember that evening now, I can't control my tears.  Tears of joy remembering that last occasion of joy and shared pleasure.  Tears of loss and grief remembering that last occasion of joy and shared pleasure.  Tears of gratitude remembering the true and unconditional love that Brian and I shared.