Live?

A year ago today Brian had the ct scan that showed that he was riddled with cancer.  It was a Friday, and they didn't give us the results until Monday.  Monday 1-7-13 they sent us to speak with the surgeon - they never said the "C" word.  They did tell us that the culture of the ascitiis showed no cancer cells, and we foolishly thought we had dodged the bullet.  We felt relief and hope.  We thought that that he was having exploratory surgery to find the cause and fix an obstructed bowel.

In the er waiting room I knew that they might find cancer, but I never entertained a thought that it was terminal.  Like every challenge we met we would deal with it together - we would come through it together.

Surgeons don't sugar-coat it when they tell you that the love of your life is dying.  They blurt it out and leave, leaving you alone with the remnants of your life.  With a pain so suffocating you think you'll just stop existing.  But you don't.  You move as if under water - not seeing, not hearing - just feeling.

Brian first showed symptoms in late December.  The ascitiis was so bad that he couldn't get comfortable.  In 2013 I never slept a night with my husband.  We never danced, we never made love, we never shared a meal, we never did so many things.  I layed in bed and slept with Brian for about one hour before his surgery.  The next time I could lay in bed and hold him was the last hour of his life.  I knew he was slipping away and I climbed into his bed at hospice and wrapped my arms around him.  I could feel him breath; I could feel his heart beat.  I could feel when his breathing and heart beat stopped.  He didn't gain consciousness, but he did squeeze my hand to say goodbye.  I watched as he took his last three breathes and then he was gone.

This time last year I still had hope.  Four days later that hope was shattered along with all my dreams for the future.

I'm "supposed" to be coming to terms with my grief, but how do you do that when you are bombarded with memories of the worst time of your life and struggling with the reality that you must live on without the love of your life?  How do you look to the future when you feel so alone and empty?  How do you learn to live when your lungs can't take in air?  When your heart forget how to beat?  When the only person who truly knows you and who could possibly comfort you is gone forever?

Who is there to hold you when you cry when the only person who can hold you tight is gone and is the reason for your grief?

How do you live?  I really don't know.