Tragedy

My husband died at 48.  His death was a tragedy to all those who knew him, and to all those who will never have the chance to know him.

He was the best person I have ever met.  Not perfect, but his flaws were minor.  He was kind, good, smart, giving and compassionate.  His laugh was the most beautiful sound on earth, his smile the brightest.

This year has been the worst of my life.  We spent January 1st watching TV.  Him in bed, sick - not knowing what was wrong, and waiting for answers.  Me by his side - worried, but believing that things would be ok.

Then on January 8th we got the horrible news, and from that day forward my life revolved around his illness.  I spent every day and night with him at the hospital until February 13th when he moved to Hospice House.  I stayed with him in hospice every day and night until April 20th when he took his last breath in my arms.  And I have spent every day and night since trying to understand this incomprehensible loss, and trying to figure out how to live on without him.

Neither of us were perfect, but together we were.  We were meant to be together, and we filled each others lives with love, laughter and happiness.  Now, my life is filled with loss and fear.  I know that the pain will subside, and I WILL somehow live on. 

Today the reality of my life became clear.  The best years of my life are behind me.  My 9 years with Brian were the best years of my life.  Now, at 49, I look to my future, and know that it will never be as bright, as happy, as wonderful as it was.  With luck, I will live for 30+ more year, but I won't have the love, the joy, and the hope that I had with Brian.

How does one look to the future with joy and anticipation, when the best of life is behind you - when life seems more an obligation than a gift? 

I have wonderful friends and family who I love, and who shower me with love and support.  I don't take them for granted.  But I don't know how to live with gratitude in the shadow of such tragic loss.