It has been three and a half months since my love took his last breaths. I still have trouble accepting that he is gone, but my life is somehow moving forward without him.
I am so lucky to have so much support. I have the most amazing friends and wonderful family, and I know that I am not alone. My friends are there for me, they check up on me, they take me to my doctor appointments, they are amazing, and I love them. Still, when I come home, I am engulfed with loneliness and fear. I am hit with the reality that the one person who always loved me, supported me, helped calm my fears, and believed in me is gone. It is terrifying.
It is difficult to have to take on all the responsibility of a household. To know that if I don't do things they won't get done, but it is terrifying to have to face my fears alone.
I'm having some medical issues - nothing major - nothing like he had to endure, but I'm scared. He would take me to the doctor. He would hold my hand. He would hug me and make everything ok. Without him, I'm afraid to live, and I'm afraid to die.
I know that my family and friends are here for me. I know that they will take me to the doctor, will hold my hand or hug me when I'm scared; I know that they'll be there for me. But he KNEW me as well as I know myself, and he is gone.
He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to be brave. He wanted me to live without fear. I'm really trying, and I really do feel like I am being brave - but live without fear? How am I going to manage that?
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