It has been almost 4 months since Brian died. The wound doesn't heal. It spreads and weeps a nasty puss that no one else can see. The days are long and painful. The nights so long and lonely. I crave the escape of sleep, but it is not granted. The prescribed meds no longer calm the physical and mental pain. My body hurts, my mind screams. Sleep is no refuge.
I cry each day as soon as I am alone - in the car or in the house. I can't pray at synagogue without more tears. My friends and family love and support me. I am blessed - but I am broken. I am loved but I am lonely. I am brave, but I am terrified. I am trying so so hard, but I am failing.
Brian - you are the love of my life. Your ashes are in a grave, and someday my body will lie beside yours. But we will never again touch or laugh together. I can't share the rest of my life with you. I promise to try to embrace each day and to live it for both of us, but right now I'm failing. My grief is too raw. I promise you I won't stop trying. My love for you goes beyond the grave - it is the one truth I never question. Thank you for loving me and for sharing the best years of my life.
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