In my dream Brian came home and told me he was leaving me. There was no fight, no anger, no love loss, but we were over and I couldn't understand. I asked if I had done anything wrong, if I had angered or disappointed him. I asked if he stopped loving me. No. Nothing had changed, but he had to go and we were over. He was sad and I was sad and neither of us wanted that, but there was this horrible surrender to some terrible reason why we couldn't be together.
In the dream I was so broken. There was no begging or pleading, just this horrific feeling of losing my marriage. And he was sad, but he wouldn't stay. We both knew our marriage was ending, and we both hated it, and there was nothing to talk about. Just this gut wrenching surrender to a "divorce" that neither of us wanted.
I woke up really sad, and have been fighting tears all day. In the light of day I know that the dream was about his death. It wasn't a divorce that neither of us wanted. It was a dream about how fate ripped us apart. How cancer made us both accept that our lives had been hijacked.
I am typing this with tears flowing. After all this time I finally have a vivid dream about my Brian, and it wasn't about our love and life, it was about his death. Somehow now the loss seems new again and the pain is raw, and I want to scream about how unfair life can be- how unfair it has been. The quiet resolve of the dream doesn't exist in the real world. I can't quietly accept the reality of my loss. I can't imagine a life that seems even half full. It will always feel, at best, half empty. The thought of spending the rest of my life in this state of private pain and loss is heavy, and I wish he could help me bear the weight as he always did in life.
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