Roller coaster

Long before I met Brian I knew that I wanted to be an administrator in a university setting. It wasn't until almost three years after he died that I actually got the job. The pay sucks, the benefits are great, and for the first time ever, I really like my job.

I am the program administrator for a summer program. Yesterday we had orientation for out instructors. Today was the first day of classes. It was a crazy busy day, but an exciting one. At lunch time I had to escort a group of students to get ID cards. The sky was bright blue, it was warm but not humid. Campus was in bloom. As I addressed the students I felt happy to introduce them to our beautiful campus and to share their enthusiasm. I felt really proud to contribute to our program. I was up, smiling, excited and feeling like I wanted to celebrate - and just like that it all crashed. 

I wanted to go home and dance. I knew that if Brian were here we would have. We would have gone downtown for dinner, sat outside, and had a great evening. I could picture the smile on his face as I told him about the students and the instructors. I could hear his laughter in sharing my excitement. As quickly as I imagined that, I was fighting to hold back the tears. I can't share any of this. It felt so good for a moment, and then the moment was over, and I was alone.

I don't have anyone to celebrate these moments with. I no longer have someone who shares my joy, excitement and accomplishments. I finally have the job that I wanted, the job that he wanted for me, but I don't have him. Without him, the joy is stripped.

I am proud of myself for all that I have learned so far in this job. I am proud to contribute to this program. I am glad to finally have a job I enjoy. But I am so hurt by this roller coaster of feelings that makes bad days bad and good days lonely.

This is not how it should be.