Slap in the Face

It has been over a year and four months since Brian died.  Enough time for the jagged edges of that wound to scab over.  Enough time to take off my wedding ring, his wedding ring, and my widow's ring.  Enough time to move to reluctant acceptance.  This is my life; I am a widow.

But the shock of aloneness doesn't stop reappearing with the painful surprise of a slap in the face.  The realization that no matter what the circumstance, I have to face life alone.  The understanding that no amount of love and friendship can fill the void left by Brian's death.

To Brian I was the most important person in the world, as he was to me.  My needs were equally important to him, and vice versa.  This isn't true about my parents, my sister, or anyone else. I never had to lean on Brian because he always, in good times and bad, lifted me up.

That's what love is.  That's what our marriage was.  We lived together as a unit -two individuals that acted as one.  Always there for each other, always supporting each other, always considering the needs of the other perhaps before considering our own.

I miss that.  I miss Brian's nurturing presence in my life. I miss having a partner in life.  I miss being a partner in Brian's life.

Things have been extremely challenging lately.  I'm in horrible pain and facing surgery - my third surgery in ten months.  Chronic pain is exhausting and depressing, and I feel that I have been given a bit more than I can manage.  The hardest part is facing it all alone.  I have no advocate.  I need argue with doctors and insurance companies.  I need to make post-surgical arrangements.  I need to learn to calm my own fears.  I need to manage everyone around me who, with the very best of intentions, have shown that while they love me, they don't view me as strong or self sufficient.  The well meaning but misguided actions of others have added insult to injury.  I'm in horrible pain, I'm exhausted, I'm insulted, and I'm frightened.  I'm facing my biggest fear - the fear of being alone and ill-equipped to deal with the challenges that life is throwing at me.  A fear that Brian understood and erased just by being alive.