At a very young age, my parents instilled on me the message that life is not fair. I don't think that this is a lesson that needs to be taught, it is a lesson learned through experience.
I try not to wallow in self pity. I know how in so many ways I am truly lucky and blessed, and I am grateful for so much. Still, there are times when life seems to dole out more than my fair share of pain and grief, and while I always try to look at the positives, sometimes it becomes a real challenge.
When Brian died, everything changed. My priorities were changed, my view of myself changed, my hopes and dreams changed. Things that used to seem important just don't matter anymore. I no longer judge myself through the critical eyes of others - I judge myself with my own values and goals, and by how true I am to myself. I was forced to grow up, and while I'll probably always be one of the most emotional people that I know, I no longer view myself as emotionally immature. I am strong and resilient; a survivor.
Brian and I had an amazing and special relationship. We knew each other so well that we could care for and be there for each other in just the way we needed without conversation. He was my rock and my support, and the hardest thing about processing his death was that he wasn't there to support me in my grief. It sounds crazy, it sounds selfish, but it's true.
Since Brian has been gone, I've had to learn to manage on my own. Its not always easy - its lonely. I've had to assume all the responsibility of the household. I've had to rely on my own abilities and my ability to ask for help to accomplish anything. I have to find in myself the strength, support, and validation that he always provided. Its hard, but I'm managing with the help of my friends.
The times when it all becomes too challenging and too lonely is when I have to face my own pain, fear and uncertainty alone. Since Brian died I've had multiple health issues. My ongoing eye issues cause me chronic pain and leaves me with impaired vision. When the pain is bad, I feel so alone. My friends go above and beyond in helping me - showering me with love and care, driving me to doctor appointments, and more. I'm so fortunate, but at the end of the day, when I turn out the lights and climb into bed, the lonliness is overwhelming.
Last November I had spinal surgery. In April I had cataract surgery. I had love and support, and I came through, but I missed Brian so much.
Now my back is out again, and the pain is excruciating. I'm facing another back surgery and another long recovery. I know I'll be OK. I have a great surgeon, and he'll fix it. The surgery will work, the pain will stop and things will be better. I know this. But facing my third surgery in one year, dealing with pain that is much more extreme than last time, knowing what to expect from my upcoming recovery - its another slap in the face from loneliness. Its another reminder that I'm on my own, and it terrifies me.
I have friends who will help me. I even have someone special who makes it all bearable just by caring. I will get through it, my pain will go away, I'll heal and I'll be okay. But the terror of facing this alone is overwhelming. Living alone when I'm in extreme pain scares me. Being a burden to my friends and acquaintances embarrasses me. Appearing weak to others infuriates me. I can't just be.
I worry about what others think. I don't want to complain and appear weak or pathetic. I don't want to be seen as needy. I don't like to have to explain myself to others. But I am needy. I am in horrible pain, and it terrifies me to have to face it alone. I want to be seen as strong and independent, but right now I'm not. I want to have someone take care of me without viewing me as incapable. I want to turn out the light at night without worrying about what I'll do if the pain becomes too much to bear before the sun rises. I want to feel that safety that you have when you're in a strong partnership with the one you love.
I have friends. I have love. I have so many wonderful people and things in my life. But I have pain and I have fear, and when I'm alone and hurting, I can't help but feel that life is too unfair and that I just want a break from this pain, loss and fear.
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