Changes

It's been 15 1/2 months since Brian died.  When you lose your husband young, you know that everything will change.  Life is no longer the same, but somehow you go on breathing.  The loss becomes part of your reality, and everything in daily life changes and becomes harder.  I expected this.  I knew that grief would make life harder.  I knew that my responsibilities would be greater.  I knew that I would suffer more fears.  What I didn't know or expect was how everyone would view me differently.

I've always been an emotional person, and I never hid my grief and my tears from those around me.  As the grief matured and became less raw, I marveled at the  fact that I survived.  I would never have guessed that I could have the strength to survive such a devastating loss, but I did.  I still mourn, I still grieve, but I live, I love, I work.  I don't think I'm strong.  I think that I had no choice but to survive. But, whereas in the past I always viewed myself as emotionally immature, I now see myself as emotionally strong.  That's not to say I'm not an emotional person.  I still can cry on the drop of a hat, but my thinking has changed.  When you experience a profound loss you learn what is important and what isn't.  Though my friends and family might not agree, I KNOW that I am emotionally strong and centered.  Things that at one time would frazzle me, no longer matter.  I have no energy for the bull-shit that once bogged me down.

So I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed to realize that many of my friends and family view me as weak, immature, and helpless.  Some of my friends and family members seem to view me as a helpless five year old instead of as a strong 50 year old surviver.

I survived an unhappy childhood.  I survived mental illness in my family.  I survived date rape.  I survived losing two husbands; the first to drug addiction, the second to cancer.  I survived a failed career.  I survived the loss of my hopes and dreams.

I am surviving, and despite my losses, I'm doing well.  I have a lot of fears, but I don't let them cripple me.  I need help, and I know how to ask for it.  I'm suffering from chronic and severe physical pain, and I'm able to function and get done everything that I need, if not everything that I want. So when some members of my family and some of my good friends recently treated me like a child, I went through a gamete of emotions.  Initially furious I tried to tell myself that people care about me and acted in love.  The anger gave way to disappointment, the disappointment gave way to depression, and the depression turned back into anger.

If there is one thing that I have always hated, it is others telling me what to think, feel or do.  I realize that in my family, I have always been treated like the baby.  No matter how old I get or how capable I am, my immediate family always seems to think that they know what is best for me.  They never consider my priorities, desires and dreams - they have always tried to project their values onto me, and it has always annoyed me.  But recently, when my friends began to do the same thing, I was shocked.  Shocked by the revelation that they think that they know what is best for me, and by the realization that they don't think that I'm capable of managing my life.  Somewhere along the road, I have given them the impression that I need them to intervene on my behalf. 

I am blessed with truly wonderful friends, who supported me and helped me through Brian's illness and death, and who continued to support me and help me after.  I've had some health issues and relied on my friends to drive me to doctor appointments and help me with other challenges.  Maybe I've been selfish and allowed them to help me too much.  Maybe my needs became too much for them, and they aren't able to help me as much as I have needed.  I don't know what they are thinking because they didn't respect me enough to talk to me about their concerns.  Instead, they contacted my 78 year old mother and my 84 year old father who are dealing with their own issues, and told them that I am in pain and not managing.  They implied that I need my elderly parents to come and take care of me because I am incapable of caring for myself.  They never considered my feelings in this.  They didn't think that this might be inappropriate and may have unpleasant consequences for me.  They just acted as they saw fit without talking to me first.

So now I'm stuck in a terrible place because I love my friends and know that they meant well.  I know that they thought that they were acting in my best interest.  I know that they didn't intend to hurt me or create problems for me, but they did.  Whatever their intent, I feel like they don't respect me or view me as an adult.  I feel incredibly insulted, but I also am so grateful for all the truly wonderful things that they have done for me and don't want to damage the relationships.  So I'm back to where I used to be so often in my life - trying to excuse the unacceptable behavior of others at my own expense.

When I tried to discuss my disappointment, I was shut down and shut out.  Brian taught me to stand up for myself and respect myself.  He taught me to not let others walk all over what I believe.   I feel now that people dear to me are walking all over me, and while there is a part of me that wants to lash out in anger, there is another part of me that doesn't want to hurt anyone the way that I feel hurt by them.

So how do I ask for help?  How do I find a balance of letting others help without letting them feel like they have some power over me?  I don't know.  I just know that I feel hurt, insulted and angry, and these feelings make me want to isolate myself from additional pain.