Weekends

Weekends suck.

Work days are so long, its all I can do to get through them.  Weekends are drenched with pain and loneliness.  Waking up alone, going to sleep alone.  I hate it.  During the day, I try to get out and be around friends, but I always feel the loss.  Then coming home to a house without Brian.  It hurts.  Saturday nights are the worst.  Others are home with their family or out on the town.  I'm alone with my pain.

When he was here, we often stayed in on the weekends, and that was great.  It was our time.  Now it is just so hard.

There are others who can not understand why my pain is so bad now, and they've made that clear in some not so kind ways.  I want to talk it through with Brian.  I want to share what has become of my life.

My back has healed well from surgery, but my eye problem is bad.  While I've been struggling with this for over two years, I now feel visually impaired.  It scares me, and I can't lean on Brian for help and support.  I'm taking some powerful medications that may or may not help, and which offer the risk of serious side effects.  I'm terrified.  The first time that I needed an injection in my eye, Brian was in the room with me sharing his strength.  Now I have to face all these challenges alone and I'm searching within for courage that I can't seem to find.

It sounds like I only miss Brian for the things he did for me and for his help.  That's not true.  When things are challenging I struggle without his support and belief in me, but what I miss most is him.  I miss his huge laugh, his larger than life personality.  I miss his arms around me.  I miss dancing with him and Lola in our kitchen.  I miss the peach fuzz on his shaved head.  I miss his smell. I miss the sound of his voice.  I miss HIM.

He told me to embrace life.  He wanted me to live without fear, but I'm paralyzed by my fears.

Oh, Brian.  I would not have traded a moment of my time with you for anything.  Our relationship was the greatest gift in my life, and I'm so grateful for it, but I don't know how to live alone or how to quiet my fears.