Lipstick

They say to fake it till you make it, so I'm trying.  I colored my hair and had it trimmed.  I started wearing makeup again.  It's amazing what a little lipstick can do. So many people told me how great I look.  My hair is great, I look so much happier, I've lost weight.  So beautiful.  It's so easy to put on a costume and play the part.

Then I went home and washed my face, and what I saw shocked me.  My eyes are dead.  How can a little lipstick cover up this grief and depression?  I cry whenever I'm alone (and sometimes in public), I don't sleep at night, I've lost 20 pounds because I have no appetite and don't eat.

My physical pain is better, but emotionally?  I've never been this depressed.  I've never experienced this kind of pain.  I have so much love and support, but I miss intimacy - and I'm not talking about sex.  I'm talking about someone who really understands me without me having to explain.  I miss the ability to be myself, to not wear the costume, to not self-censor. I miss the absolute and unconditional trust that Brian and I shared.

I miss the life we built together.  The love, the laughter - the intimacy.

I guess I'll buy more lipstick.