2014

Having somehow survived Christmas, despite more pain and tears than I thought possible, today it dawned on me that tomorrow is another holiday.  New Years.  Another day to dread.

Brian and I were never New Years Eve party animals.  We were pretty boring by conventional standards, and didn't really go for forced celebration.  Most New Years Eves we just stayed home.  We'd make a baked Brie, open a bottle of wine, and just have a quiet night together.  And that was great.  Last year on New Years Eve day we were in the hospital.  That night, there was no brie or wine.  That night we knew that something was seriously wrong.  We spent New Years Day in bed watching a marathon of The Tudors - he dozing on and off, me trying to keep my worrying under control.

That first week on January was the start of a nightmare.  He was so sick, so uncomfortable.  He couldn't hold anything down.  His abdomen was so full with ascites that it was difficult for him to breath and impossible for him to sleep.  I worked, but came home several times to take him for periocentisis and doctors appointments.  Evenings I spent running out for prescriptions, Gator aid, chicken soup, electrolyte popsicles - anything that might help him be more comfortable , anything that he could keep down.  I tried to limit my tears to the car so he wouldn't see me cry.  That week was horrible, but nothing compared to the weeks yet to come.

2013 was a horrible nightmare from day one.  So many people have told me that 2014 is right around the corner, and that it will be a better year, and foolishly, until today, I thought "how could it possibly be worse?"

So today, for the first time, my mind wandered to New Years.  I have nothing to celebrate - I won't be going out.  Staying home with the love of your life is a gift.  Staying home alone with memories of how sick he was is torture.  But forget that one night - that holiday we refused to be pressured into celebrating - the whole reality of 2014 is incomprehensible.  2013 has been the worst year of my life, but he was here for four months.  As sick as he was, until the last three days of his life he remained grateful, loving, funny, caring, smart - all those amazing qualities that endeared him to all he met and that made me fall head over heals in love with him.  In 2013, we suffered so much loss, but like everything else in our relationship, we did it together.

Now, with the flip of a page in a calendar, I have to welcome a new year during which Brian is gone.  In 2014 we won't sing, dance or cry together.  I have to move on without him, and I don't know how.  I don't know how to handle this pain.

I have cried every single day since 12-28-13, but today tears and grief were like those from last January when I had to face the unthinkable.  Last year fate was cruel and made me watch my husband die.  In 2014, fate will force me to live in a year with no shared memories, no contact, no comfort.  My broken heart will be forced to beat day after day, and the only person who could possibly help me come to terms with this cruel turn of events can't be here with me.

I feel so alone, so isolated, so completely lost.  Each day is filled with loss and fear.  The depths of despair seem to have no limits, and I do not have the tools needed to navigate through this cold void.