Want

I don’t even know what I want in life. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to settle. I would like to meet someone, but I don’t want to date. I don’t know if I will ever want to re-marry, but I would love to have a partner again.

Do I want a husband, a lover, a friend with benefits?

I want trust and intimacy of mind and body. I want someone to fuss over, and someone to fuss over me. I want occasions for celebration, a shoulder to cry on, a person to grow with.  I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel like I am living again rather than just going through the motions.

Actually, that sounds like I do know what I want. I just don’t know how to have it anymore. I’m scared to try; I’m scared not to try.

I lost my first husband to drugs. I lost my second husband - the love of my life - to cancer. I don’t want to lose more. I don’t want to put my fragile, glued-together heart someplace where someone can crush it by not wanting me. I don’t want my heart to be destroyed by loving another man who I can lose.

I want love, sex, real companionship, support, responsibility, accountability and more. I want a life that is full, shared, and honest. I’m scared to have that and I’m scared that I may never have it again.