Need Him

Five years ago my Brian had surgery. We thought they were looking for a bowel obstruction. We were prepared for a cancer diagnosis, but not for a stage four - no options - terminal diagnosis.

Five years is a long time. I thought I could get through my day without focusing on five years ago. I didn’t focus on five years ago, but it had me. I fought years from the time  I got out of bed. It was a lousy day.

I went to work and was bombarded with requests. That’s my job, and I like to help, but not when I’m given just a hint of the story to figure out what needs to be done. People want things done now, but won’t take the time to clearly state what they need, so they waste my time doing detective work. I miss Brian. Brian knew how to communicate clearly. Brian knew how to say please and thank you. Brian made the people around him feel appreciated and never took them for granted. Is it so wrong to want to feel appreciated at work? Is it so wrong to feel sad on the fifth anniversary of my husband’s death sentence?

My eye has been very painful for three weeks. It makes it really hard to stay cool. It makes me anxious and on edge. Chronic pain exhausts me and I just crave sleep. I had a 1:00 doc appt today. My pain has been bad and unrelenting, so I thought my retinal edema would be bad. It far surpasses my expectations, though it did confirm that my pain and vision problems are real. Sat at the doc four four hours waiting for authorizations. Gave me lots of time to remember the last time my eye scan was so bad. It was Jan 2012  - first time I needed an interoccular injection. I was terrified, but Brian was right there giving me support. Today I was alone, and it was so lonely. The shots aren’t so terrible, but the anxiety before the shot is always bad. I always feel panicky, and I wanted Brian there with me. I was sad, then mad, then depressed to be sitting there alone. I got the inplant, but have never had the itching and burning in my eye after. The one eye was tearing nonstop, and the stinging burning pain lasted two hours.

Five pm - sun is going down, both eyes are dilated, one eye is in post injection pain and waterworks, I’m alone, sad, depressed, frustrated, grieving, I’m pissed off that I’m there alone. Spent four hours trying to get authorization paperwork, but ended up having to pay out $2200 anyway. Then I have to drive home at dusk with seriously compromised vision. I had no business being behind the wheel. He used to take care of me. I needed help, but couldn’t have it. I’m so sad, I’m so lonely. I need help. This condition is very painful. We don’t know what causes it. We can treat the symptoms but it is thousands of dollars every two months and treatment is invasive. It is painful, but others with similar symptoms don’t have the dibilitating pain I do. We inject implants in my eye and we flood my body with biological medication. It costs over $3000 each treatment and it is invasive, and I don’t know if it is right or worth it. I need my partner to help me figure it out. I need my partner to lean on in my pain. Today I didn’t have him, but I did have haunting memories of being told that he would soon die. I remember having to tell him that he was dying. I remember how we both tried to be strong for the other.

I’m alone. I miss him. I’m in pain. I need his strength and support. It is so hard - this life alone.