Tired

I haven't written in a long time because I'm tired. I'm tired of being a widow. I'm tired of feeling loss. I'm tired of wishing for what was. I think that mostly, though, I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of pretending that life is ok. I'm tired of smiling to make other people more comfortable. I'm tired of facing challenges alone. I'm tired of having nobody to share accomplishments with. Sometimes just getting through the day is an accomplishment that deserves recognition.

I'm tired of being alone.

My eye hurts. I started a new treatment that sucks, and I hate that I have to navigate it alone. I had an injection yesterday that left my eye burning for hours and that has my eye still hurting tonight. Brian used to take me to my injections. He knew this hurt and terrified me, and he always supported me so that I could be strong or weak. Now it is hard to be strong because I can't be weak. I have nobody to offer their strength.

In less than a month it will be three years since he has been gone. A lot has changed. I'm learning to live in this emptiness that has become my life. I'm learning to move forward even though I want to go back. But I know that the best of my life is behind me, and moving forward just moves me further from the life that was.

I'm tired of this life.