Two years ago

Two years ago Brian and I invited a bunch of our Jewish friends to join us for a movie and Chinese food.  We saw Les Miserables and went out for one of the worst Chinese meals ever.  We didn't imagine that it would be our last time sharing in that tradition.  We didn't know that it would be the last movie he ever saw, or that it would be the last time we went out for a meal together.  We had no idea that just a few days later he would become very sick or that just two weeks later the doctor would tell me that he was dying.

All we knew then was that we were in love, and that we were sharing a fun day with friends.  We were looking forward to 2013, and expecting to share a wonderful new year.  We were so blissfully unaware of what was about to happen, and that that day was more of an ending than a beginning.

Two years later and I'm still struggling with this new normal.  I have many good things in my life.  I have great friends, and meaningful relationships.  I have newly found strength and gratitude.  Still, I struggle with my losses.

I'm grateful for the memories.  I'm grateful for so much.  But my losses are still so real.

Today we saw Imitation Game and ate at one of Brian's favorite restaurants.  He would have loved the movie.  He would have loved sharing the day with our friends.  I loved the movie.  I loved being with people I love, but I still can't fathom how that wonderful group that I spent the day with didn't include him.  In just a few days it will be two years sine we knew he was really sick.  In just a few weeks it will be two years sine he left our home for the last time.  Two years since the doctor told me he was dying. Two years since I told Brian he was dying.  Two years since a parade of horror, bad luck, and pain.

Time doesn't heal all wounds.  Time adds new perspective.  It let's the raw edges smooth.  It let's the shock wear off.  It lets reality set in.  Time makes room for laughter and love to return.  It allows the most broken of hearts feel again.  But no amount of time can erase the loss or make the pain OK.

Today wasn't a bad day.  Today wasn't drenched in sorrow, but the loss was with me all day.  A loss that I am learning to live with despite the fact that I will never be comfortable in it.