Thursday should have been Brian's 50th birthday. I expected the day to be difficult. I didn't expect it to be as difficult and painful as it was. It hurt. On a day when we should have been celebrating life, I was thrown back into all sorts of memories of his death. While it seems like it shouldn't have been so, the anniversary of his birth was even harder than the anniversary of his death.
When the pain of memory became crushing, I was rescued by friends and people that I love. A very select few knew exactly how to reach out, and one knew exactly what to say and do to help me turn away from the pain of death and back towards the joy of life.
There are parts of me that will never recover from Brian's death. There are memories of his dying that will always haunt me. But I know what Brian wanted for me. He wanted me to live, to be happy, to laugh, and to love again; and while a year ago these things seemed impossible, I know that despite the loss I can live and love. I know now that I must love in order to live, and despite the fact that I will never stop loving Brian, I have it in me to give and accept love from someone else. I also know that while I often feel weak and cowardly inside, it is a thing of courage to open my heart to love again when it can lead to more loss.
I loved Brian totally and completely. Our years together were so happy. Our relationship was such a gift. Without love life is a compromise. I don't want that. I want to live life to its fullest. I want my life to have meaning.
Thursday was an unbelievably hard day, but by Thursday night I knew that love would save me and allow me to experience happiness again. The gift of Brian's love let me know how wonderful life can be. It will be the gift of another that let's me experience that wonder and joy once more.
No comments:
Post a Comment