can't rationalize it away

I'm depressed.  I'm sad, lonely, exhausted, and finding it hard to rationalize away some crushing feelings of despair.

I come home from the hospital yesterday.  I had five friends come visit today, and several others call or email, and I know that I'm so lucky to have so many people who genuinely care about me, but I'm depressed.  I feel like I have to put on a smile and a sunny disposition, but I just want to cry.  I want to curl up and hide from the world and just stop feeling, stop pretending, stop putting on a good face for others and just allow myself to be genuine in my pain and grief.

Things have been hard.  Too hard, and I feel like people either over or underestimate me.  They assume that I can manage with little help, or that I'm a wuss with no tolerance for pain.  I have a lot of tollerance for pain, but my pain before surgery was unbearable.  I do the best I can, but I do need help.  The hardest part of all this, the biggest challenge is coping alone without Brian.  Waking up alone every morning, turning out the lights alone every night.

I loved being married.  I loved being a wife and partner.  I hate facing every day and every new challenge alone.  Some days are better than others, but I'm really starting to doubt that things will ever truly feel OK again.