Liar

Grief has turned me into a liar.

Everyday I find myself telling untruths.  People ask me "how are you doing?" and I answer:

     "Fine, thanks."

     "Ok."

     "Hanging in there".

     "Taking it one day at a time." or some other equally untrue little answer designed not to make others too uncomfortable. 








How am I?  I'm terrible.  I'm sad, lonely, in constant emotional and physical pain.  I don't look forward to anything.  I struggle each day.  I fight to hold back the tears around others, and only let them flow freely when I am safely alone.  I'm afraid, I'm impatient, I feel like so very many people can sympathize, but nobody can really understand the depth of my despair.

Every day, I go to work, or to appointments, or to the supermarket and I smile at strangers.  I say thank you.  I put on a mask of being ok; normal.  I'm not. 

I'm a liar.