I remember
Twelve years ago tonight we had a house full of people.
Twelve years ago tomorrow we married; it was perfect.
In front of our friends, family and God, we declared our commitment to something that started earlier. Everyone who knew us then, knew that we had something special. History, circumstance and background would have never had us together, but fate knew we belonged with each other. We were unconventional. We first fell in love, then met. How wonderful to fall in love with a person first, to love their heart and mind and soul before setting eyes on them. At a time when both of us might have been guarded, we let ourselves trust and love. I knew we would marry before I ever met you. I knew you were my heart. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. That didn’t happen.
But you did spend the rest of your life with me- loving, trusting, supporting. You knew and understood me more than I know or understand myself. You allowed me to be me, and in the process let me know true happiness.
I regret that I came with baggage; that I never was able to leave it all behind, but carried it and let it weigh on my soul. I don’t know how you understood, and saw the love under the scars. All my self doubt, all my insecurities, all my faults, and still I was luck enough to be your wife.
I think what made us so great is that we put us first. It wasn’t about what was best for you or what was best for me - it was about what was best for us as a unit. We both grew as people within the framework of “us”.
Twelve years ago I was so happy, so lucky, so blessed. Twelve years ago I became your wife and you became my husband. It breaks my heart that we cannot celebrate this anniversary. It tears me apart that we cannot grow old together. I don’t know who I am outside of half of us. But I do know, without a doubt, that I am the luckiest .
To have had such an extraordinary love. It is rare. I don’t think many couples get to share the complete trust that we had. I don’t think many couples laugh as much as we laughed. I don’t think many people get to love as deeply as we loved.
Living without you is not easy. I feel like you would be disappointed. As hard as it is, I don’t give up. I give in to the pain, but I keep trying. For this anniversary I want to give myself the gift of peace. I want to accept what has happened. To do that, I think I need to stop trying so hard to live well, and focus on making sure that I die well. I don’t want to suffer a dibilitating disease, or whither away alone in a nursing home. I don’t want a diminished mind in a healthy body, or a diminished body with a strong mind. I don’t know if I will die tomorrow or in 40 years, but I want to focus on having a good death. In doing that, I will have to have more peace in the life I have left. I think that maybe you would be ok with that.
I love you so, and I miss you so much more than I could imagine. You absence is felt every single day. As sad as I am, I know that I am
I am
I am
The Luckiest.
Happy anniversary, Babe. I love you more than an elephant,
In a tutu
In a pink VW bug.
❤️
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