Pain begets pain.

I had back surgery this week.  It was an out-patient procedure and was, as far as back surgery goes, relatively minor.

I have lots of restrictions though.  I have to rest, I can't lift more than five pounds.  My only exercise or therapy is walking.  I'm a little bit helpless.  My parents flew in for three weeks to help me as I recuperate.  I'm so grateful that they are here, but the person who I really wish could be here can't.  I miss Brian so desperately, and this forced rest makes his absence to much more painful.

What's worse are the flashbacks to painful memories.  For the first two days the pain at my incision site was quite severe - but then I thought of his incision and how awful it was for him.  My parents are pushing me to eat more despite my loss of appetite, and that triggers me back to Brian's inability to eat for three and a half months, and it makes me cry.  So I try to not let these painful memories overwhelm me.  I imagine he is here, and healthy, and taking care of me.  I imagine us laying down in bed together - my head on his shoulder while he holds me and comforts me through the physical pain' and I know that the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain.

In some ways I'm doing better.  My leg and back pain should be gone once I heal from surgery.  My eye seems to be less painful.  A new antidepressant to help me with my grief and new meds to help me sleep are making me less foggy and allowing my thinking to be more clear.  That also makes the painful memories more clear and my vision for all my tomorrows more bleak.

This sadness is unbearable and while the pain changes, it doesn't go away.  I will figure out how to live, but I will never heal from this pain and loss.

Nobody can understand.  Others who have lost the love of their life can understand the intensity of the loss, but each loss is unique, and we are all alone with our pain.  I think that Brian understood how awful this would be for me.  He knew me like no one else ever could.

He is still my husband, the love of my life, my best friend.  He will always be those things to me.