Difficult weekend

This weekend sucked.  The worst I've had in quite some time.  I don't know if it was that I'm approaching so many painful anniversaries and facing so many horrible memories.  I don't know if it was being cooped up from the snow.  I don't know if it was the return of my eye pain and frustration over that.  Maybe it's just part of the process.  Regardless, it was horrible.  I cried through most of it, and almost had a complete emotional breakdown at the Y.  People politely ignored me and turned their heads.  One woman snickered.  Nobody asked if I was ok.

The isolation is horrible.  I miss Brian so much.  I was inconsolable, and just wanted to feel his arms around me.  It's been so long since I've had a hug.  I hugged him before his surgery on December 8th.  After his surgery that day, he had so many tubes and drains, he couldn't hug me anymore.  I didn't realize how horrible it is to not be touched.  We always held hands.  When we stood in line I leaned up against him.  We hugged all the time. 

Yesterday I stood at the Y, and I just wanted someone to hug me.  I just wanted to feel connected to life.  I just need to feel again.