When it rains, it pours

So, today I got layed off. As soon as I got to work I knew, but of course they waited eleven hours to tell me. You get to figure out people you work with, so I had several hours to prepare.

Budget constraints. They needed more money so my position was eliminated. Well, you can't get blood from a stone, so I guess it is better to be layed off and look for work full time than to not get paid for time work. Of course if the partners had been better business people they wouldn't be in this position, but, alas.

While I handled the "discussion " professionally, I was seething. I don't think they handled it well. Nobody likes letting people go, but I think you should grow a set and actually look at the person you are sending to the unemployment office. In any cases, it is done. I'm upset because in many regards I feel that I was lied to. I did the right thing when I had to, but good deeds often go rewarded. I know that I worked hard and am leaving that place better than I found it.

It wasn't an easy ride. While employed there I developed an eye condition that damaged my vision and causes chronic pain. I had a doctor tell me that my husband had terminal cancer, and spent every day for the next 3 1/2 months with him in hospital and hospice. Several surgeries, painful wound care, two rounds of chemo. He died in my arms. (During this time my boss was incredibly compassionate.)

Seven months later I had back surgery. Painful, but my parents flew in to help me as I healed. Five months later cataract surgery. Four months later my back went out again. If the first time was painful, the second time was excruciating and immobilizing. By the time I had the surgery the smallest movement left me screaming and crying.  This is around the time my boss started hating me.  Nothing I did was right. My coworkers called her out on her cruelty and she apologized, but after a day or two the hostility was back.  A dear friend took me to the hospital, and I spent two nights there. Then I was sent home alone.

The following weekend I had been looking forward to attending my niece's wedding. Instead she arranged for her brother to skype the ceremony so I could watch live. A few hours earlier a dear friend, one of Brian's hospice nurses, came over for coffee. Tater, Brian and my cat jumped up to visit, and we immediately knew something was wrong. His eye was sunken and weeping, he had some sort of puss on his fur, and his breath was foul. I couldn't lift him, so Sharon put him in his crate and drove us to the vet. Cancer in his mouth had grown up into his sinus cavity and was pressing on his eye. There was nothing to do for him. I held him and cried as he was "put to sleep".

It was heartbreaking.

That Monday I called my office. My boss, who had read of Taters death on FaceBook didn't offer condolences. Instead she accused me of being a suicidal drug addict and told me not to return to work until I got my act together. I have never been suicidal  nor a drug abuser, and I was shocked and hurt. I healed and returned to work part time. Then one Sunday afternoon I started having horrific back spasms. Friends took me to the ER, where heavy duty muscle relaxers and pain killers eventually calmed things down. It was late evening so I called my boss to tell her I was in the ER and would not be at work the next day. She never asked what happened or if I had an accident or illness. Her only comment was, "if you're not going to be at work tomorrow, you better get a doctors note."

Things never got better. Her hostility continued to get worse. Not one to give anyone any benefit of doubt, she snapped, barked, yelled, or gave her special brand of dagger eyes every chance she got. If anyone in the office did anything wrong, I was blamed. It was daily abuse. I have been looking for a better opportunity, but hadn't nailed down anything yet.

So today I felt angry, then sad, then like a total loser. And then a new way to think about it occurred to me. I started listing my haves and have nots. I don't have my husband, my cat, my sweet dog, my health or my financial security. Frightening! And while I no longer have a salary (did I mentioned how pathetically underpaid I've been?), I also no longer have a job in a toxic environment with an abusive job. I may not have much that is good, but maybe losing a job that sucked the life out of me isn't so bad.

I need a job. I need benefits which she didn't offer. I need to work and have a sense of accomplishment and pride. I need to be in an environment where I don't have to walk on eggshells.

Losing my Lola and my job in the same week has been horrible. Nothing will ever replace Brian, Tater or Lola; but this job.....this job can be replaced with something to much better. It might not happen as fast as I would like, but saying goodbye to the toxicity of that job might be my biggest win in years!

Believe it or not, this was the cliff noes version. I didn't even touch on the racial, anti-Semitic and misogonistic and insensitive comments from the not so silent partner.

Wow. I think that now I might even get a decent night of sleep.

Bad luck

Lonliness wraps itself around your heart like a strangling vine. It possesses you and slowly forces your surrender. I hate my life, but I'm held so tight by the grip of pain so I can't break free.


Bad luck. Was it bad luck that took Brian so young? Was it bad luck that Lola didn't stand a chance?


Is my situation bad luck or the result of poor management, weak skills, or laziness?
My family is gone. My vision is severely limited. My health is uncertain. My finances are unstable.
Is all this my fault, the design of a punitive G-d, or just an unfortunate play of fate.


In any case, I feel beaten down, impotent to create change. I feel like a drifter in a storm. Danger and loss are everywhere. Hope is gone.

exhaustion

I keep looking for Lola.

She is gone and it is so hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. When I walk to the kitchen I look for her. She would always come looking for a treat. The doorbell rang and I jumped because nobody could get near my house without her announcing them.  I look for her everywhere.

I still look for Tater. He was my baby boy. He used to curl up at night and sleep on my head.

Tater and Lola where Brian and my babies.  When we met I had two cats and he had one.  Tater and Lola where ours. We were a family.  Now all three are gone. For the first time in 29 years I live completely alone. It is both heartbreaking and terrifying. My family is gone and I am left alone with my pain, fear, disappointment and anger. My sweet Tater lived a long life, but Brian died at 48 and Lola at 7.

I have chronic pain, and this grief amplifies it. Since Lola died I have had an unbearable headache. Tomorrow I see my doctor to see if we can find some answers about my eye. I know Brian would be so disappointed in me, but I wish I receive a terminal diagnosis. I just don't have the energy for chronic emotional and physical pain.

There are many people who I love, and I have many people who love me. I am great full for them, their love, and their support, but I'm sad, lonely, and exhausted. I can't find anything to feel passionate about. I can't find anything to look forward to. Life isn't going to change for me. I have to change, but I really don't know how. I really want to stop fighting.

Pain and Loss

I guess there are no limits on pain and loss. I would like to think that one might reach a limit after which they could be free of additional loss, but it just isn't so. At one time perhaps I believed that love and joy had no limits. Now I'm afraid to believe anything.

I have lost so much. My husband, my marriage, my partner, my career, my financial security, my health, my confidence, my cat, and my sweet sweet beautiful dog. Nothing is left from my life with Brian except memories, and while there are great memories they are shadowed by painful ones. I will always remember the incredible joy of my marriage, but the incredible pain of Brian's death is right there. I will always remember how happy we were to adopt Tater and then Lola, and now they are both gone too. All three died in my arms.

Every part of me hurts. Every part of me wants to give up.

If one more person tells me how strong I am, I might literally crumble. Fuck strength. Fuck courage. Fuck surviving.  I want to lean on someone. I want to acknowledge all my fears. I want someone to love, comfort, and protect me.  I want to be able to find something to look forward to. I want to do more than survive, but I am terrified that any more loss will leave me paralyzed.

My house is empty. The silence is screaming. I am overcome with pain and fear. I am afraid to want; afraid to hope; afraid to be vulnerable.  I'm done. I surrender.

i hate my life

Two years ago my beloved husband Brian died of cancer in my arms.
Last year our beloved cat Tater died of cancer in my arms.
Today our beloved dog Lola died of cancer in my arms.
My heart is beyond repair. My family is gone.

Hope. Fear.

It seems like forever since I've written here.  It has only been a few months, but they have been long months.  I've wanted to post several times but have had password problems.  I finally got them figured out, so here I am.  How to catch up?


Grief doesn't end.  Two years and four months and the pain is so strong.  I don't know how to approach life.  My grief has to be private - others not in this position can't understand it anymore.  I do have good things in my life, but there is an underlying foundation of wrongness since Brian's death.

I can't share my honest thoughts or fears, and the energy that it takes to appear ok is exhausting.

My job is sucking the life out of me.  I'm not sure when or why my boss started hating me, but it is a reality that is hard to live with.  I spend more time at work than with anyone else, and her behavior is abusive.  She isn't a morning person, and that is not on me, but starting every work day with her snapping or yelling is unbearable.  No matter what I do it is wrong.  She treats me like I am less than human, and I really don't feel that I've done anything to warrant this behavior.  I've been looking for a new job, I really need benefits, but I can't find anything.  I'm overqualified, or under qualified.  I did have great interviews for two jobs.  The first told me that I had the job, but then gave it to someone else.  I need more money.  Even if I made the same salary, having benefits would save me a lot.  I am living beyond my means.   I'm not extravagant with spending, but I can't make ends meet.  My parents are helping to support me, and while I am grateful, the knowledge that I need their support to get by has destroyed my sense of self worth.  I know that I am more than my job title or my salary, but I don't feel it.  I'm no longer a wife.  I'm not anyone's mom.  I'm not important to anyone in the way that Brian and I were important to each other.

My health is more or less ok, but I have worries.  My eye condition seems to be worse lately, and constant pain takes a toll.  I'm seeing some new doctors.  The cause of my eye problem may be a blood condition.  If so, the eye injections I receive are fine, but the systemic medications might be all wrong.  This condition could also cause other more serious problems.  Or not.  The uncertainty is hard to handle alone.

I have friends.  I have people that are important to me, but when it comes to the big stuff I feel very alone.  I've been making an effort to not isolate myself.  I'm trying to reach out and make plans.  I'm trying to find a new job.  I'm trying to find interest in life, but I'm alone and scared and sad.

This is not a life I want, and I don't seem capable of changing that.  I hate not having a true partner. I hate my job.  I hate that I'm no longer financially independent.  I hate that I have health issues.  So much hate!

I love my dog.

Grief changes over time.  It isn't as crushing as it once was.  But life seems more hopeless now, and that only gets worse with time.  I'm so afraid.  Brian would have understood that.

Life Goes On

Time does not heal all wounds.  Life goes on; I'm alive.  I have friends, I experience happiness, I have fun, but so much is still missing.  Not the pain, the pain remains.  Sometimes it hides in the shadows, but it is always there.  You can't experience such a profound loss and expect to heal.  You survive.  And by many accounts, I'm surviving well, but the pain is always there.  When there is joy to celebrate, but he isn't there to celebrate with.  When there is sadness, and he isn't there for comfort. In the little things, and in the big things.  When something is interesting, horrifying, or absurd, he isn't there.  I have friends, I have so much, but so much is gone, The loss is always there.  The "new normal" doesn't feel normal - it feels like a compromise.

How to hold on, how to let go.  How to carry the love and the loss.  What to keep, and what to dispose of.  How to process things alone. How to not feel alone.  How to allow others in, and how to realize that they can't possibly understand the level of the loss.  How to allow yourself to be happy, and how to deal with all that is missing.

I wan't joy, laughter and passion.  I want purpose and permission to not have purpose.  I wan't intention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but I don't want them to confuse survival with strength.  I want permission to be weak.  I want to breakdown and have someone there who isn't made uncomfortable by it.  I wan't to incorporate my grieving and my sadness into a life that is purposeful and happy.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to feel proud of my accomplishments.  I wan't not to feel defeated by my failure.

I want to understand how Brian is gone, even if I'll never understand why he is gone.  I want to maintain my faith in humanity and in G-d without anger.  I want to find the strength to accept my anger.  I want someone to know me the way Brian knew me, and to love me despite all ,my faults and frailty.

I want, I want, I want, but I don't know how to make it happen.  I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to feel complete.

I'm not the first person to lose the love of their life.  The world is full of grieving widows, widowers, parents, children, sibling, friends - people who miss someone desperately, and most of us move on. But to lose your life partner before their time.  To watch a good, decent, kind, intelligent man die at 48 just because a cancer cell divided and divided and ate him from the inside - how do you live with that without doubt?  Can life ever be more than just ok again?